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Find Your Inner Anchor With Dr. Harmony Zoloft

Find Your Inner Anchor With Dr. Harmony Zoloft
Dr. Harmony
  • On March 31, 2013

Dr. Harmony Zoloft is a Californian Spiritual Healer, Lingo-Neurotic Programmer and Agony Aunt, specialising in showbusiness, music and Hollywood. Now based in the UK, she has very kindly agreed to be the Counsellor-In-Residence at Comedy Chords. Harmony will look at your questions, anxieties, sexual proclivities and career worries and will try to make YOUR world a better place.

Hi Harmony

I’ve finally managed to find myself a new job, at age 76, as the head of PR for a global company. I’m not sure whether it’s the right move or not as there are rumours of inappropriate behaviour amongst staff members and I don’t want to be the sacrificial lamb. Don’t get me wrong, the retirement plan is excellent and I do get my own company car. Can you offer me any advice to calm my fears ? 


Hey Francis!! Good Karma on you!!!

I feel your pain Francis.

Well. Do you have any choices? Frankly, no. I am sorry to break this to you, but if you’ve accepted a job like this (rather than something much more suitable for a man of your tender age, like Head of Werthers Originals at Saga Holidays), you’re f****d. I mean, properly a** f****d. There isn’t a brand of mobility vehicle on the market that is able to outrun a 25 year old PR account manager when they’ve had a few toots of the old Bolivian marching powder.

When you say inappropriate behaviour, it would be helpful to define this. Do you mean, someone putting a sign up saying, “You Don’t Have To Be Mad to Work Here But It Helps!!!” or are we talking sex in the company toilets involving miow-miow, dwarves, Vaseline, Alan Titchmarsh masks and rolled-up copies of PR Weekly?

Assuming the latter, and as I see it, you have two choices. One, get the heck outta Dodge, quit the job and apply for Welfare. I am sure with the state of the economy and Geoffrey Osborne’s cuts, you will be able to afford at least one slap up McDonald’s meal a week.

Or Two…embrace the chaos, get yourself down to Soho, purchase a year’s supply of amyl nitrate, an Alan Titchmarsh mask, some really kinky stockings and a Rampant Rabbit.

With either option you will lose your job but with option 2, at least you will be very popular with your colleagues and are sure to die with a big smile on your face. Best of Luck!

Dear Harmony,

I’ve been together with my partner for over two years now, in one of the most unlikeliest of marriages. Things seemed to go well at first, but now we tend to disagree more and more. My partner has asked me to do things that I’m not really comfortable with. I’m all for changing boundaries, but he only wants to change the ones that are beneficial for him My friends, and enemies, say I’m nothing more than a puppet. How do I go about getting my voice heard ?


Hey Nicki!! Good Karma on you!!!

Nicki – I share your suffering.

My advice is this….and I’m afraid it’s tough love, as we say in the States.

Stop whining. Judging by your Facebook page, you look like a cross between Joan Rivers on rancid Mescaline and Sharon Osborne on….well, nothing.  You are quite lucky to even have a husband, SO JUST GO WITH THE FLOW!  Fear the fleas and do it anyway!!

Seriously though, I’d find it quite charming if my hubbie wanted me to role play with a puppet in the sack.  I’d draw the line at that Rod Hull’s Emu though.  Spit the Dog would be acceptable, especially as during sex, my hubbie likes me to spit at the dog, but that weird duck with the diaper that sings “I wish I could fly, but I can’t” would be out of the question. That would definitely be a sure fire acid flashback for me.

You also don’t define what these boundary defying activities are.  My noni is sensing that you mean anal. If so, I mean like, COME ON. That is so 90s.  We all have to play “launch the space shuttle up the brown wormhole” occasionally.  Why men like it so much, I’ll never know, but it gets them off quick time and therefore, you can return to watching the Coronation Street Omnibus edition so much sooner.  It’s a trade off.  One up the bum, no harm done, as you Brits say!  Best of luck!

Dear Harmony

My boyfriend has an unnatural obsession with poo. Should I ditch him or stay with him? 


Hey Mandy!! Good karma on you!!!

I feel your pain.

I once dated a born-again Christian who wanted me to poo in his mouth and smear it on his face. I was shocked. I mean, a born-again CHRISTIAN?

Anyway, I always remember what my Indian guru Ravi Punkar Dunkar said to me during my years finding myself in India: dung is good. It is natural, it’s normal and its part of the great faecal circle of life. So… accept. Don’t judge and.embrace your inner turd.

Does this man eat a lot of curry (of the Thai or Indian variety)? If so, this could well affect your decision. Nobody wants to go out with a shit-obsesser if they are going to spray vindaloo everywhere. If he eats a lot of fiber in his diet, he may well be obsessed with bowel health and as a caring, sharing person, you should accomodate him on his digestive and faecal obsessions as much as you possibly can.

Also, maybe buy some Sennakot or Diacalm from the local drugstore, if you worry about the consistency and reliability of his movements and of course, make sure you invest in a good quality, durable rubber sheet. I believe Debenhams have some very good ones. Best of luck!

Dear Harmony

My wife is 2-timing me. I feel betrayed and hurt. She says she loves me but won’t ditch the other guy. Help!

BJ from Yorkshire

Hey BJ!! Good karma on you!!

BJ, I feel your fear.

I used to think Hugo Chavez was a brand of aftershave. When I read his biographical book, or autobiography book, “Viva Chavata! (How To Subjugate An Entire Population With Smiles, Cheap Tequila and Oil Wealth)” he became one of my heroes.

Chavez himself was once cuckolded and his wife ran off with an Argentinian shirt salesman. Chavez had his rival shot in the buttocks. Given that this probably isn’t an option open to you, have you considered a threesome? Sex doesn’t start or end with two people you know. Semen is full of yang and can positively enhance your karma, so I recommend you literally embrace this other guy,  man up and swallow. How do you think I stay looking so young?! Once again, I highly recommend a Debenhams rubber sheet. Best of Luck!

Dear Harmony

My life hasn’t turned out as I thought it would and I’m just not happy. What can I do?


Hey Bryan!! Good Karma on you!!!

Bryan – I feel your yang and it’s out-of-line-ness, ness.

Let me tell you, I’ve had tough times in my life. But then again I inherited a lot of money from my first husband Herbert J. Wangzinger III, after he slipped on one of my lovebeads and hit his head on my marble bust of Fidel Castro. So… every cloud!

The secret to happiness is very simple. Money. They say money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you a great deal of Prozac, cocaine and booze, plus a really nice Gucci handbag to keep it all in. My advice is to get some money and quickly.  Oh and do try yoga, book in a session of hot stone therapy, look after your knees and eat greens now and then. And use a Debenhams rubber sheet. Best of Luck!


“The eyes are the windows to the soul. Be the Windowlene. Cleanse the World’s eyeholes. With a soft cloth and a firm circular motion.”
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