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No Naked Chins Please, We’re Australian

No Naked Chins Please, We’re Australian
Hayley Kilhams

High on facial fuzz enthusiasm, low on razors, Aussie band The Beards took to the bullet stage at The Great Escape Festival last month to stir the crowd with their beard related anthems. Being a beardless innocent I was unsure what to expect from the band that have given us such hits as “You should consider having sex with a bearded man” and “I’m in the mood for beards”….the crowd however did not display the same reticence but rather a fine gathering of facial hair -real and cardboard. Strong instrumentals, superb showmanship and some damn fine tunes with extrovert delivery…it’s difficult not to fall under their bearded spell and grooming guidance.  I managed to catch a few words with the guys before they headed back on tour to spread the word about peace, harmony and the answer to all life’s questions……BEARDS!!

So how did you guys meet and form the band?

We originally formed as a beard appreciation group in university in 2004. It was a dark time for beards in Australia at that time so we would just get together and support each other and discus beard related news and events.

One day our regular meeting room was double booked so we were moved to a music room for our weekly meeting and so we all just jumped on some instruments as a joke and instantly played a complete and flawless song about beards filled with lavish three part harmonies and complicated intricacies.

This came as quite a shock to us as none of us had any musical training at all.

I had a sense of Tenacious D whilst watching you guys, how did you arrive at “your sound”?

When it comes to our sound first and foremost its beards that inspire us. Music comes second; maybe even third, I think first and second its beards.

We are always thinking about beards and music just seems to be the best way to express our love for beards.

What’s next for the beards? Tours? Albums? A bearded festival?

We head home to Australia to finish off our First World Tour, and then we take some time off to grow our beards and write our fourth album about beards.

Are you having fun in the UK? Do beards around the world have any distinctions?? Would you look at one and know it was an Australian or British beard?

We are having a great time in the UK and we have seen some pretty good beards. Although the other day I did see a beardless guy in Manchester and that kinda ruined my day.

Beards around the world are slightly different but every beard is a good beard, I cannot stress that enough. As far as being able to tell where a beard is from – not really. When I see a man with a beard I’m normally too mesmerised to do anything else but stare blankly at him.

I was reading an article in the Huffington post just this morning about a “Unite the Beards” campaign, to bring hipsters and those from Hasidic backgrounds together in a Brooklyn community. Could it be that you guys have had the answer to peace and harmony through the beard all along?

Beards are not only the answer to peace and harmony; they are also the answer to every major issue that faces us today.

Which bearded musician would you like to guest spot in a Beards video?

There are lots of great bearded musicians we would love to have in one of our videos.

ZZ Top, Kenny Rodgers, Seasick Steve, just about every heavy metal musician, Father Christmas, Jesus Christ, you know, all the greats.

You’re three albums in, are you worried about how many bearded based melodies you can give to the world?

I don’t think we have even begun to truly express how strongly we feel about beards. Our last three albums have been pretty beardy but I think we our fourth one will be the most beard related album in the world ever! We are getting in touch with the people at Guinness World Records to verify that fact.

Who are your bearded heroes?

We have many bearded heroes, God, Charles Darwin, Captain Hook, but our real bearded heroes are all the everyday blokes who have gown beards even when society has told them not to. They are the real unsung heroes.

Is there anyone who is currently clean shaven that you would love to see rock a beard?

Yep. Everyone.

I noticed some lovely ladies at the gig with some rather fetching pink cardboard beards on.  Do you ever get sent any beard related gifts from fans?

We get sent many strange items from our fans from beard wax to beard shampoo and everything in between. Once we even received a bit of somebody’s beard that they sent to us, we were so shocked that they would cut a bit of their beard off we sent a few of our fans around the guys return address to “talk” to him.

I know someone who has been inspired by your music and is a few weeks into growing his own beard, any grooming tips or hints to a new convert?

The secret to a truly awe-inspiring beard is simple. Do nothing. And don’t shave! I cannot stress that enough.

Have you been approached on tour by any bearded ladies?

Bearded ladies approach us a lot. Most of the time their beards are fake but hopefully one day we will get to meet a real bearded lady.

Would you tickle my chin even though I don’t have a beard? ….I got kinda jealous at the gig ……

I would tickle your chin but purely out of pity and I would have to wash my hands straight away after doing so.

Lastly would you like to leave a bearded message for anyone reading this article?

Please grow a beard…

Be sure to keep up with the band on their official site, Facebook, Twitter and YouTube.


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